So,
today, one of my ZenMamas who I taught last year, emailed asking me about sleep
trainers for her baby, now just over a year old and still breastfed (go
mama!). Baby hasn't slept uninterrupted
through the night since birth. Mama is
obviously tired, like most parents of young children, so she and her partner
tried a sleep trainer recently. Despite
getting professional help, baby is still not sleeping through. So, what to do?
Here’s
how I responded to this super lovely mama:
Re.
sleeping: What can I say… babies sleep
when they want to, and they will eventually sleep, uninterrupted through the
night. My personal view with my
‘mummy-of-two hat on’ is that I don’t really go in for the whole sleep
counsellor/sleep training thing. The reason for this is mainly down to my own
personal exerience, but also based on things I have read since about how
stressful sleep training can be for babies and the potential negative effects
longer term.
We were
sooo tired!
My
first child was a terrible sleeper, or we believed he was, and we
suffered. I was exhausted. My husband
was exhausted. We didn’t expect to be
woken so much and we felt like we would never sleep again. We resisted the flow of baby’s rhythms. We felt like we had to put him down, in his
own cot, all the time, and that’s what we should do, right? And we knew people
who told us, ‘oh our baby slept through from day one’, ‘we have a good baby who
let’s us sleep’, etc. Maybe we had too
high expectations. Maybe we had too much
self-doubt and we didn’t trust our instincts. We felt like we were doing
something wrong because our baby would only settle with us near him. We were sooo tired.
When we
hit about 8-9 months we tried sleep training. Not full-on abandon-your-child to
let it ‘cry it out’, but a ‘gentler’ version, of putting him down awake,
leaving him for 1 min, if he grizzled, we’d go back to settle him (no picking
him up though), leave 2 mins, go back, 3 mins, go back, 5 mins, etc. Our son
grizzled mainly, but also cried a bit in his cot during this. And we cried in the next room. It felt wrong and it was stressful. He did fall asleep before we hit the 10
minute mark (10 minutes is a long time in the short little life of a baby
though), and we did this for 3 nights. Our son probably settled himself and
slept a bit ‘better’ for a short time after this, but then it was hit or miss
again for a while after that. We stopped
leaving him to just settle himself because it felt wrong. If he cried, we went to him, and eventually
he slept. He probably reliably slept through the night, from 7:30pm until about
5:30/6am, from nearly age 2.
Go with
the flow...
My
daughter seemed like a ‘better sleeper’ than our son from the beginning. But she still woke up regularly through the
night. She definitley wasn’t a
sleep-though-the-night-from-day-one baby though. You’ve heard of such babies I’m sure, and
have met their parents who tell you about their great little sleeper as you sip
yet another coffee to get you through the day.
With
our daughter, I decided not to fret about it, and instead to go with the flow
and just have her in our bed as much as she wanted. (We ensured we followed safe bed-sharing
guidelines.) Her being in our bed, or in her co-sleeper bedside cot, did mean
she was on my boob more and for longer than our son was. (I fed him up to 8
months, and fed her for two years. Go me!) From the experience of our first, I
knew that eventually she would sleep and get in to her own bed. Our approach with her meant that we got more
sleep second time around. And this was
because we followed her rhythms, and also sharing our bed meant she was overall
more settled.
She was
in our bed until age two. Not EVERY
night, but most nights at some point she’d end up in our bed, from after she
was about 8 months or so when she had a big cot in her brother’s room.
What
was different wasn’t the two children though! Looking back, I am pretty sure
they both woke up as much as each other. What was different was our approach. I just tried to enjoy having our second baby
next to me as much as possible. I knew
it wouldn’t last forever after the experience with our first. And if it wasn’t possible to sleep well next
to her, and if I was really tired, I would leave her in bed with my husband (we
had bed rail on my side of the bed once she was too big for the bedside cot)
and I would sleep elsewhere. My husband
and I would take it in turns when necessary.
Babies do eventually sleep.
Having
a regular relaxing bedtime routine helps
If you
haven’t already implemented a regular bedtime routine, it’s a good idea to do
that. So at the same time every evening,
go up for ‘bath time’. Even if it’s not
a night when a full on bath is needed, just having a little mini splash with
warm water and a few drops of lavender oil (no need to soap etc.) , brushing
teeth etc. You could try a little light
massage with a gentle massage oil with chamomile or lavender (just a tiny
amount suitable for babies , not too strong).
Then bed time feed, and a story book or two. Keep screens and devices out of the room, dim
the lights and make it all cosy and sleepy. Say ‘night night’ to any furry soft
toys, night night mummy, daddy, etc. And
encourage baby to enjoy that winding down time, and then eventually falling
asleep. Over time we found these signals
were getting through and the stretches of sleep got longer.
Give
love and comfort on demand
The
more I have read about sleep training tactics the more I know in my heart and
mind that it really is not the loving thing to do. Think about it… if, as an
adult, you found yourself unsettled and crying in the night or as you were
going to bed, for whatever reason, would you want the person/people who love
you the most to come to you? Or would
you expect them to just shut the door and walk away? Giving love and comfort on
demand helps babies and children feel more secure and more confident. Gradually they become more and more
independent, even at bedtime.
Our son
needed us to hold his hand to fall asleep for a really long time. We would sit in the dimly lit room and just
hold hands. My husband would recite a
book or poem from memory in the dark with him whilst holding his hand. Or I would sing a special song. Our son is nearly 7. I miss hold his little hand in the dark.
You
will sleep again
Good
luck to all you sleepless parents out there.
Don’t worry. You will sleep
again. Enjoy those night time cuddles. It won’t last forever.
Love
Gina x
Gina
Potts is Director of ZenBirth, a leading KG Hypnobirthing Practitioner in London and Kent, mother of two hypnobabies, Positive Birth Movement group facilitator, breastfeeding peer supporter, birth junky, feminist and dog-lover.
